I’m so sick and tired of the truth being curtailed by someone else’s fairytale.

My life has been utterly impossible. Since traveling the world and coaching tennis, I have been unable to fit in anywhere, and I think the true reason for that is sociological…that people finding their way like rats to get cheese have fundamentally altered the nature of economic reality through obscurity. In other words, I simply don’t fit in and they exclude people socially who aren’t like them. I have no idea what those true bounds are but I’m finding that the only places for me to earn a living are very taxing on my body and soul. The worst part is having to share the world with people who think its okay, or that I’m okay. My body and soul are hurt and worn out. I have no money, I have no love, and I have no good memories to share with people. I know the instinct in this country to blame the person…but how am I to blame when I am capable and have all these accomplishments that prove I am smart enough. Because its no exception for social inclusion, which permits utter stupidity to flourish. Capitalism permits the perpetuation of class systems despite its intentions of making the world more fair by rewarding progress and innovation. I’m mostly just sick of how much of our world is a giant lie.

There was a time in my life when a few months away from taking flight on to a career that who knows where it would have left me, but I know it would have been better than where I’ve ended up. I worked really hard and postponed my career for other peoples bullshit and I finally had my chances and I got really good…albeit relatively late in most peoples careers at 25 years old. I didn’t have a chance before then to really focus 110% on my game with people who knew the sport and cared about me. Now, I don’t want people in my life who don’t respect me. Who would?! My own mom looks at me like a loser when the whole baby boomer generation made money so much easier than this ridiculously bureaucratic, tech based dystopian machine thing I have to deal with. The law is an extension of a cartel like approach to governance…its ridiculously authoritarian contrary to the constitution and a ton of people have written about how commercialization of the profession is wrong and the ABA is a horrible cartel. If you can’t see that, I really don’t care. I didn’t want to seem like someone who complains, I just wanted to find my place in a mildly fair world. But the world hasn’t been fair to me.

My father was such a fucking asshole that you don’t even know about. He fucking hit on waitresses who were in high school, interrupted me every time I spoke, was always too busy for me, talked down to me, reneged on me during my tennis career, cheated on my mom, and made the whole world think he was great when he suppressed every ounce of freedom to be myself. My parents were absolute fools who should never have been allowed to have children. They forced me to do the dumbest things just to comply with their fantasy life. Their views on money forever fucked up my life and relationships. I don’t want to complain anymore to anyone, I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to think about the past. I hate bearpath with a passion after realizing what it did to my life and what it represents. I don’t belong there. I think some people are really nice but the way it all was for me was absolutely ridiculously terrible and I want nothing to do with it. I just want to be left alone and never think of the past again. I want to be able to earn a modest living for myself and be left alone. I won’t have a family, ever, because of whats all happened. I deserve to be able to earn a living and be left alone. Nobody knows how bad of shape the world is in and how constraining our global economy is to the majority of the earthlings identities. Its going to be a really savage place and my plan is to just earn a modest living until I die alone. I don’t want anyone involved in my life anymore with their endless falsehoods. Humanity will, unfortunately, never be fair as long as the almighty dollar rules over everything, and I used to care deeply but I just can’t anymore after how my beliefs have cost me everything even though they were all based on my following of learning what is true and accurate. Funny how most of what I learned stems from the University of Minnesota, their sociology department is the basis of so many of my beliefs and theyre pretty objective and accurate. My dad donated lots of money to an institution that taught me things that he hated, fuckin A. Now, I just want to be left alone. I literally just want to move on with my life and that means everyone from my past needs to leave me be. I have nowhere to belong and fit in and the economy has made my life impossible…despite years and years of immense pressure to get out of the house and earn a living by my parents. They weren’t supportive or understanding, they must have had it a lot easier. I’ve never been able to rely on them and I have about 20 friends from my private history that will testify that my parents ruined my fuckin life repeatedly. Accept their truth and reject mine all you want, but leave me alone. I’ve got a long and hard road trying to make ends meet and recovering from a horribly hellish time in this world under my parents thumb, and I can’t take the lies of people from a perspective that has oppressed every aspect of my soul and continues to refuse to be understanding or compassionate. Im just done. I’m so fucking sick and tired of people assuming I’m privileged when money has been a horrible nightmare in my life. My family just expects me to go make a ton of money and split apart and I don’t know why. The whole thing is deified and its completely false and destructive of everything good that ever was in the world. I have never been able to make money outside of legitimate labor, and since graduating law school, I don’t know how to get good legal positions and its funny because they are all facades anyways…the law is not a profession, its an industry, and I don’t know how the heck a country can run like that. I’m not the only one who feels this way, there are tons of law review articles that say the exact same stuff and I know lots of lawyers who said the same things. I don’t know how to earn a living in this giant delusional system, its so strange to me. Now my mom can sit there and detest who I am as a person, but she doesn’t even know me. None of you know me, not the real me. I’ve been suicidal for most my adult life. Its an impossible position to be in with this money and career thing that I don’t even know how to explain, I just know that its based on a lot of lies and the things most people do to make money are shady to at least a small degree. I know with 110% certainty that the economy is not just humanity working together to grow a better world and that it is not merit based. I could litigate with the best attorney’s in the business if it was all purely “trying cases on the merits” but they use savvy to win, far too often beyond what the rules of professional responsibility would consider ethical. They get away with it because they are the highest entity…theres no authority to govern the ways of practice when it comes to senior attorneys at firms handling cases that are obscure regarding the DOJ or big Pharma bioethics. Their spirits deep down know what the truth unless they’ve convoluted that all so far. Point is, I know how to play chess with litigation, I just don’t know how to answer whether I am white or whether my gender is male (sex and gender are different but their questions don’t comply with that fundamental fact) in a society that is stuck in a historical context and can’t adapt to fundamental truths about what truly IS versus cultural tradition. In other words, being truthful and having knowledge beyond my paygrade as a peon is a serious detriment. But I dare you to ask anyone Ive ever worked for if I was a good employee…

Donkey Docks, Pizza Luce downtown mpls, Papa Johns nicollet/mpls, Robins Kaplan, WETT tennis, Ask the ITF tennis tour managers, ask my old school professors, ask Christoph Palmanshoffer, ask anyone who ever knew me…

Otherwise fuck off and leave me alone. Let your stupid country spend 1.6 Trillion dollars of YOUR money on a war machine which they do every single year cause they don’t know the right way to build or defend a REAL NATION. Most of this country’s identities are flawed anyhow, and I’ll be another death of despair which is increasingly common. If I die, I don’t want anyone to have a funeral for me, I’ve only had a few really good friends who know the true me. Most of this world has literally made my ability to grow and be successful impossible and broken my dreams and my love, honest, good dreams from a place inside that believed the world was universally good.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *